


when he's ready

by Ive_never_read_fluff



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Deceit | Janus Sanders Angst, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Self-Harm, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-28
Updated: 2020-10-28
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:54:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27243040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ive_never_read_fluff/pseuds/Ive_never_read_fluff
Summary: Janus would tell someone when he was ready to get better... but what if he never wanted to get better?
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19





	when he's ready

**Author's Note:**

> TW: KINDA GRAPHIC SUICIDE?? I DON'T KNOW, JUST TO BE SAFE. OVERDOSE. BLEEDING OUT. TOXICITY, TOXIC MINDSET?? I ALSO DON'T KNOW, SORRY--

Janus would tell his friend once he was ready to recover. 

Once self harm isn't the only thing helping to keep him alive. 

But, what if he never wants to get better? 

What if he dies before he has a chance to tell his friend? 

His friend, Logan.. but why would Janus even tell him?

Telling Logan could be.. detrimental to his overall health. 

Logan's father is a teacher, and Logan is really fucking smart, and he.. he's just amazing. 

Point is, if Janus told him about his self harm, there was quite the possibility that he'd tell his father, or some other adult, or even worst, tell Janus' parents. 

And Logan would do it out of a good place, he'd do it because "I want you to stay safe," or "I don't want you to be hurt," or some other thing that would be good and that he understands why and he'd appreciate it but really it'd just make everything worse in Janus' case.

Normally, telling someone, getting professional help, would be the right thing to do. 

Would be the sensible thing to do. 

So, Janus understands why Logan might want to tell, and he appreciates the thought, but for Janus, it'd make everything worse. 

And he has evidence to support that claim, too. 

First off, his parents would probably spend about a solid one or two hours telling at him. 

Second, after they got everything out, they'd take away his phone, which is the only thing besides self harm keeping him alive. 

Third, they'd take away his blades (well, they'd try, but Janus hides stuff pretty fucking well. Unless his parents were searching through deodorant and under a little space under his bed that he cut out just to hide things that they still don't know about, they wouldn't find shit), which is the only thing stopping him from swallowing bottles upon bottles of pills or hanging himself with the rope he stole from the garage or using one of his dad's guns to blast his brains out. 

Fourth, they'd probably take off his door so they could watch him at all times, maybe on top of that they'll even buy a camera so they'll know whenever he's doing something he shouldn't be doing. 

Fifth, they'd take any and all opportunities to belittle him and his mother would take great interest in mocking him along with tremendous guilt tripping and his father would absolutely adore yelling at Janus whenever he got upset and blaming it all on Janus (which, is probably true, but.. not pleasant). 

He's just afraid that list wouldn't be enough to stop Logan from being a bitchy snitch. 

God, he's sorry, Logan isn't a bitch he's just trying to look after Janus but it's not helping it's not gonna help please Logan understand it'd make it worse Logan, Lo, please you have to understand he couldn't live like that it's already bad enough, Logan, he doesn't need more shit added to it--

There is little things that get him angrier than someone telling on someone who self harms. 

You don't know what the fuck they're going through. 

You don't know why they started cutting or burning or hitting themselves. 

Don't fucking play the hero for one goddamn second and realize that if you do that, especially if they've asked you not too, you are an asshole. 

You are one of the worst kind of people to fucking breathe this air. 

You should be so fucking ashamed of yourself. 

Janus understands that talking to someone who hurts themselves and is really suicidal can be fucking draining, but all you'd have to do is say it. 

Say you can't talk to them anymore, say it's taxing to your mental health, say it's unhealthy for you to keep doing this for them. 

It's that fucking simple. 

You don't need to be the reason someone gets the only thing that's ever made them want to stay alive taken away so they end up killing themselves! 

You do not need to be a fucking moronic asshole. 

You just need to tell them you can't handle it, and leave them, if that's what's best for you. 

Janus understands it's hard to talk to someone like that, one of his distant friends is really suicidal and cuts, and when every text from them is basically a fucking suicide note, it gets exhausting after a while, especially when you're going through the same exact thing, especially when you just attempted suicide, your fourth attempt, and they don't care, and they don't let you talk about it, they don't let you vent, and yet you still have to be there for them or else they said they'll kill themself. 

Janus understands, but if it gets too fucking much for you to handle, just fucking tell them so. 

They'll understand, they probably feel like enough of a burden already. 

You'll just be confirming that, in their mind. 

And they'll probably kill themself, all because of you-- NO. NO, that's wrong. 

He's wrong. 

Fuck, he's so toxic. 

Disgusting. 

Did he really start blaming someone who just got overwhelmed when he, himself got overwhelmed because of that very same thing?! 

Fucking hell, how much more vile can someone get? 

Janus needs to fix himself. Janus needs to cut, to make it so big, deep, make it hit an artery, make him bleed out, what else would he fucking deserve at this point?! 

HE SHOULD JUST FUCKING KILL HIMSELF NOW SO HE CAN GIVE EVERYONE THE FUCKING GIFT AND LUCK OF NOT BEING SUBJECTED TO HIS FUCKING TOXIC BULLSHIT ANYMORE- he should just fucking kill himself.

He's just going to fucking kill himself. 

_(One blade._

_One wrist._

_Several long cuts, long and painfully deep._

_Two bottles of pills, extra strength pain medication, acetaminophen._

_One layer of fat._

_One vein burst._

_Pills swallowed, all of them._

_One empty bottle._

_One stained red floor, sink._

_One suicide attempt._

_One suicide attempt that worked, committed._

_One dead child.)_

He just fucking killed himself.

He'll never be able to talk about it now, just the way he wanted. 

He was never able to get better, he didn't live that long.

Pity.

**Author's Note:**

> so this got out of hand.. i was just trying to write smth bc i want to post smth so that's what i was doing but instead of going the original route (which was supposed to be a vent) i ended up making him kill himself-- whoops-- 
> 
> (tbh it's still kinda a vent lmao)


End file.
